I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
