So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
I just overhead some girl saying that she's trying out for the real world so she has a backup if she doesn't get into teach for america...
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
I feel like I owe it to them to wear pants.
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
