remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
I love him about as much as I'd love fucking myself with a cactus.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
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