I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
QUIT STEALING MY PHONE AND SEXTING MY MOM!!!!
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