i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
