I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Dude if you're not gonna answer them I'm gonna stop snapchatting you my hook ups
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
I just bumped into this random I hooked up with a few years ago at Steve's party. Talk about a fingerblast from the past!
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
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