I've come to the conclusion that as a grad student I would much rather prefer to get laid then get drunk
I think you know full well that a few years ago my stance was the polar opposite
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
You had a good week dude, you bought a motorcycle and a beer bong with ur parents money, missed 2 classes, and ran from security twice, good first 2 days to college
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