You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
You are the funniest drunk Jew I know. Never in my life have I witnessed someone respond, "Is your dick kosher?" while being picked-up on.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
6 showers laters and I still feel like I have his vomit in my vagina. At least I could help him figure out he's gay.
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
I woke up with clothes on this morning and I'm pretty sure you had something to do with that. Thank you.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
