Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
So I went out tonight...met a guy who slightly resembled my dad,huge creeper, he asked me to "hang out" so I gave him my moms number since he was more her type:)
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
I'm watching the World Cup in bed naked with john and our USA flag aviator glasses. Can you say America?
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
did you just send me my own nude
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
