Ps there is totally a drug addled prostitute in olympic pizza asking for change for a 100 bill
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
