ok so i jsut did the walk of shame with this random guy that i had sex with at the hotel party, and the lady at the front desk said "wow you're just now leavin?"
He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
Randomize
