i would punch a child for taco bell
i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
