Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
he just fucked me for my cheese.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize