I kept waking up & seeing my Goodfellas poster and thinking it was a window with people crammed against it staring at me.
I guess the lighting in my room made it look like they were moving. I remember telling myself that they were watching over me and protecting me from the cops
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
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