i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"
Just saw Youth in Revolt. There are only so many times Michael Cera can lose his virginity.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Your pictures have evolved a lot over the years but I think your angry dick pic phase was one of my favorites
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
Randomize
