please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
