What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
While I faked being asleep, he literally prayed to God out loud, asking for forgiveness for losing his virginity before marriage.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
Randomize