i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I dropped my pants and she just stared until she asked how is that even possible? Best night ever lmao
Randomize
