What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
does the new i-phone have a pregnancy test app?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
her night didn't end so well, both of her boyfriends got arrested... together.
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
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