he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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