A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
I'm too over dressed and drunk for this emergency vets office
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
