I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The ideal thing to do next party is to tape my boobs down so they don't knock over the pong cups while playing defense. They came back to hurt us this time
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
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