I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
OH MY GOD MY GRANDMA JUST SHOWED ME HER BOOB OH. MY. GOD.
I feel like saying your blowjobs are worth a burrito is not the best strategy to get him to be more giving in bed.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I just need you to stay far enough away that I can't smell your cologne. I completely forget that I fucking hate you as soon as I smell it.
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
All I remember is receiving a lap dance to slow motion.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
