even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
I JUST SEARCHED GINGER COCK ON TUMBLR AND THEY'RE ALL REALLY WELL HUNG? I'M CRYING. IS THIS HOW GINGERS KEEP REPRODUCING?
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
AND HOLY SHIT FLUBBER IS ON NETFLIX
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I watched a compilation video today of a guy banging his sex doll to edm music. I just had to tell someone.
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