Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
Feeling better?
I can stand long enough to do the dishes finally. Been trying that all day.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
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