Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
