when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize
