He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
my co-worker, his best friend who also works with us, an my baby daddy, ive turned love triangle into a retarded shape with to many sides to pronounce
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
I didn't even know this guy existed until he'd had his hands down my pants, so I just went with it.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
