made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
In theory, it seemed like it would work.
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
Randomize
