turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
Randomize
