So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
Letting Freddy Krueger eat me out = HAPPY HALLOWEEN TO ME!!!
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
Randomize
