one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
I need two food groups: booze and turkey sandwiches
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Randomize
