Just fell off a train. Bad.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
Randomize
