We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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