Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
I don't even know where to begin....there's queso sauce and public hair stuck to everything
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
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