i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
You're like the curious george of whores
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
I swear if he puts my hand anywhere near his dick tonight I'm "accidentally" leaving all my rings on
I still have the video of you three making soup in my kitchen and asking random people for permission DURING the party, not after like usually
Don't remember, didn't happen
I HAVE THE VIDEO YOU DICK IT HAPPENED
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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