it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.
Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
then he grabbed my tit and yelled "FOR NARNIA!!" then dove into my vag. i think I will do him again strictly for the entertainment value
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Randomize