if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
Randomize
