The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
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