the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
Blacked out at the beach and unblacked out at a piano bar singing Tiny Dancer.
currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
Would you still love me if my nipple fell off?
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The air tonight was full of shame when we saw each other.
Well if u wouldn't have had sex on the front porch last night I think that could have been avoided.
this poor kid thinks hes going to have his first time with both of us
Randomize
