Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
I think there is a legit party going on the place we thought was AA
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
