got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
Maybe the downfall to liking really smart guys is that they're to smart to think about sex all the time.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
oh man there are to hot chicks wrestling in a pool of maple syrup. ill send you a picture
this is why i will never break up with you
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