I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
I wasn't excited about it either, but if I was going to have her take a load on her face, role playing as some french dude is the least I could do
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Yeah it'll definitely be worth it. Not having syphilis all the time you know
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Sware then you fell into me doing a Tarzan swing thing and my margherita spilled and shattered all over this guy and sice you were on the ground you tried to pull it off by twerking on the floor lmfao
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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