Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
You owe me new eyes. The ones I have are burned with your balls into the back of my eyes. And every time I close them, your balls are right there...
She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Hah I guess I sent that to like ten people, along with another one of me sitting in a bath tub eating an ice cream sandwich.
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
