Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
How external is "for external use only"?
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
You were saying you didn't want to go home and insisted that I drop you guys off at your uncles. That's how you ended up sleeping on a porch with two dudes
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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