If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
Randomize
