I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Just shaved my legs with toilet water in a walgreens bathroom. I am so classy.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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