The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
I can't right now...you know Sunday night is whn I get drunk and do laundry.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
That hot guy i showed you guessed my exact bra size. I want to have his tan babies.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Randomize