I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
Admittedly I was a little ambitious with some of the positions but you walked in during the worst of it.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Two girls are now jumping in the ocean naked at 10 PM...and I was just starting to hate Ocean City
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
he was like "can i get a kiss" and i was like "can i get a taco"
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
