every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I got locked into my place today. You might be wondering if that was a typo... It's not.
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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