Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
Girls should come with a carfax report
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
