end the night at a gay bar...not sure how...but why the fuck do i have two condoms in my pocket?
If there was an emoticon for a sad penis, i would send it to you
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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