So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
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